[Alone With My Thoughts]
Thank God For The Anonymity Of Cyberspace24 Days
2007-05-06
Hey, guys. If you ever want a quickie divorce, move to Arkansas. My god, its 30 days from filing to finalize it. THIRTY DAYS. My divorce hearing will be May 30. It is almost over. Thank goodness.
I am pretty happy these days. I have been seeing friends that I haven't had a lot of time with in the past year, mostly because they avoided me due to Michael. I can understand that. I didn't realize it until everyone started coming out of the woodwork to comfort me as this is going on. I went to lunch yesterday with my friend Carrie, and we have not had a girls' afternoon out in some time. It was so much fun. We have both recently had a spiritual epiphany and it was great to share them with each other. Plus her son and my oldest son are the best of friends. It was a good afternoon for us both.
Now, off the divorce subject and onto the "WTF".....
It has been brought to my attention, mainly by the looks of my "visitors" page, that somebody has been obsessively visiting my blog. Interesting, no? I know that it doesn't give an ip address, but it will et me know when a non-shoutpost user has been checking my blog out. I love it, actually. But get this, I have like 57 visits all at times two minutes apart, like somebody goes to it, then leaves, goes to it, then leaves again. Maybe they think I am going to blog something in te two minutes I am gone. Truth is, I have a good idea, no, what the heck, I KNOW who it is. Long story short, it is a person that is no longer my friend that wants to see if I am blogging anything bad about her. Is that not crazy? I mean, check my blog now and then, but every two minutes? They are visiting my blog more than the Shoutpost users! I wonder if they realize every single time they go to it I know when. And honestly, with all the stuff I have going on in my own life, why would I waste my time? I have enough going on. I just wonder why anyone would be that obsessed. Please. Is it me, or is it a tad trifle pathetic?
Anyhoo. I wish I had something to be a bitter smart ass about. I get more readers that way, ha! Truth is, I am actually pretty happy right now with life. My kids told me today how much life is better than it was a month ago. We can keep our house clean, too. I used to think that my house was always a mess because I had two boys. Since Mike is gone, I realize that it was not the boys that were 'mucking' my house up; It was Mike! My house has never been so clean or smelled so good. Even the damned DOG is more relaxed and happier.
Anyway, I guess that was my token post for the week. I will get on here and blog sometime again this week.
Rock on, byatches!
....Not with a Bang
2007-04-28
What a wonderfully wierd world this is. It is a somber day today. The soon to be "ex" moved out. He signed divorce papers earlier this weeek, so the dissolution is inevitable. I did not dance a jig or call my friends to exclaim the happy news.
We had a nice talk before he left, one of "do-you-understand-why-I-am-doing-this" nature. He knows I can't be the one "sanity" he has. I spent so much trying to fix him, trying to make him "okay". I even married him twice. I forgot about myself to make life nice. So that he wouldn't get mad, and maybe he wouldn't drink anything. I spent a lot of time tip-toeing. I forgot myself. I cannot take care of me when he is around.
I do not hate him, I hate what IT did to him. I don't know the man that he is now, it has been so long since the drink got its hold on him. I hope he can change. I just had to let go. I can't try to do it anymore. That straw broke my back. Broken backs never heal quite right.
So this is a short BG post. Its not bitter, its not a cleverly written entry to impress readers. I am speaking out of what is Monica, a far cry from my outspoken alter ego. I am going to make it pretty well. I am not an idiot, I am a pretty good accountant, so I can manage bills on my own. I have a really good job. I am not worried about that. My fear is to trust anyone enough to give my heart away again. Not that I want to anytime soon. One thing I have learned from this experience is that you can think you know someone, bit you never really know what they are thinking, much less what they are capable of. With a few drinks, and what started out as an affinity for the occasional beer turned out to be the sledgehammer that wrecks a relationship.
Take a minute to think, next time you are down and you want to pour a drink. Think of what a harmless thing can do if left to spiral out of control.
If you feel depressed, there are so many outlets you can utilize other than self-medication.
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith. 2 Tim 4:7
Has It Been That Long? I'm Not Dead!
2007-04-22
Another reason to call me Bittergoddess. On April 9, my husband commited the single most idiotic act he could possibly muster. He is, er, was a highway patrolman. He is also an alcoholic. Has been for years. I just learned to ignore it. If I mentioned it, he would tell me to quit bitching, so I figured he would either kill himself drinking or fuck up really bad. He did the latter.
Monday, April 9, after spending the morning drinking, he decided to go buy more beer. He went up the road to a convenience store, bought more, and on his way home, he slammed into a car at a redlight, head on. As if that weren't enough, he fled the scene. Yes, He backed up, sped off, and went home. A witness to it followed him home, saw him get out of the car and go in, carrying his case of beer. The police were called, and it took 2 hours to coerce him to come out of the house. During all of this, I was at work and my children were at school. The children were picked up by a police officer at their bus stop, and taken back to their school so that they wouldn't see their father getting arrested. I was called by the chief of police while I was on my way home from work, as it was happening at that time. They were getting warrants to search my house. I begged them to give me 20 minutes to get home and I would let them in so they wouldn't have to kick the door in. By the time I arrived, they had arrested him and taken him to jail.
When I got out of the car, I was met by Michael's supervisors. One liutenant aske me if I would feel comfortable surrendering Michael's service weapon. I did, and as I did, I noticed the press. Reprters and photographers across the street taking pictures of my house. After everyone left, I sat on my driveway and had a breakdown. Then I realized it was time to end all of this. I cannot look over his drinking, nor try to fix it any longer.
Over the week, last week, he was on the television news, people love to see a cop when he fucks up. Just looking at him makes me throw up in my mouth a little. He is pitiful, and I hate what he put my children through in the past few weeks. I hate him.
I filed for divorce Friday.
So, if you have wondered what the hell is going on with me, and where the hell I am, I am here. I will try to keep posting, though. As crappy a situation this is, it does make for good blog fodder.
Fuck an alcoholic.
Damn, We Gotta Do Better!
2007-03-13
The Proceding is a list of things I have seen, observed and ultimately am pissed at, put out at and disappointed in:
*I took care of an MD today in my clinic that weighed 280 pounds. That would be a little more than 2 of me. I mean it would have been okay if she was 7 feet tall, but who really takes medical advice from a morbidly obese woman?
*The city of Memphis has a new law to fine panhandlers on Beale Street. (pause, slaps forehead) Okay, they are going to fine people that beg for money???? Am I missing something here?
*Does anybody really have an emotional stake in who is Dannielynn Hope's daddy? Im sick of it. Anna Nicole was a tramp when she was alive, and now we have to figure out which of the umpteen-elevendy thousand men she humped is the daddy.
*WHY THE HELL didnt Sanjaya get kicked off American Idol last week? (ooops I just threw up in my mouth a litte when I thought about him)
*Is it God's cruel joke that women get hornier when its "their time"?
*Why is it when an elderly person that still has their mental facilities comes to my clinic accompanied by their grandchildren, son, or daughter, the grandchildren, son, or daughter is the one that insists on telling me whats wrong with the patient??? Just because theyre a little older, doesn't mean theyre stupid, asshole! Give these fucking people a break!
*Why is it that women that are 5'2 and 260 pounds insist on wearing clothes that would be tight on Mary-Kate Olsen? You may be confident, but youre making me want to do another lap around the track. Everyone thinks its the skinny people that inspire women to be obsessed about losing weight, its the opposite. Its the fear of looking like that that makes me want to put a finger down my throat. Its not "fat and fabulous", its "Morbidly obese and looking like a side show freak in heat".
*Why is it that Metabolife was banned? I'm still pissed at that. The people that died on it were weak. Its called survival of the fittest. Its Nature's way of picking off the weak.
Okay, my sleeping pill is starting to work. I know its nothing much, but feel free to add to my list in the comments. These are just a few things that make me go "HRRRRRM" and keep me awake late at night.
Dear hubby is on his way home from walgreens with my Bronkaid for tomorrow. Such a sweet enabler he is. We love him. We love him very much. By "we", I mean my kids and me. What, did you think I was talking about the voices in my head? I stopped hearing voices when I gave up Rice Krispies for breakfast.
Rock on, bitches!
Confessions V: Let There Be Light!
2007-03-11
Last I posted, I had moved to Memphis to pursue my relationship with Michael. I had a seventh floor flat in a roach motel, but it was downtown and close to all the party spots. Michael and I saw each other often, I worked until eleven every night and he would come see me after and stay with me most nights.
I was elated when he invited me to spend Thanksgiving with his family. I cooked so much food the day before that you would have thought no one else would. I showed up at his house on thanksgiving day with a carload of food and both of my children. It was a beautiful sunny day, Michael's mother met my children and spent the afternoon chatting it up with me. I never noticed it, but everyone hushed when he would enter the room. I don't know what his hold was on his family, but it was strong.
It wasn't 3 days later that Michael called me and broke up with me. He told me the excitement was not there anymore. I guess since I had moved and uprooted, once he had me all to himself, once he had won me, he didn't want me anymore. Of course, I was torn.
It would have been easy had he not still wanted to call me. He still had my dishes from Thanksgiving and called me to come and get them. I had just left the gym (I work out to get rid of "pissed off") and I stopped at his house to get my things. He was sitting in front of his computer, wearing a dirty tee shirt, looking quite rough. Looked like he had 3 days growth on his beard. He just stared at the screen while I gathered my belongings from his room. I left without saying goodbye.
A week later, he called me, and though I hated him, I could not resist talking to him. He said that even though we are not a couple, that we were both mature enough to maintain a friendship. Translated-he wanted a fuck buddy. I did not even think that was a good idea, and I resisted the temptation. I began to scoff at the concept of love. I stopped believing that I was deserving of peace. I drowned my emotions is a series of men that satisfied my need of having a warm body beside me at night. I had fuck buddies, but I didn't give a flying damn about them. When I started letting him know I was busy with other men, his interest would pique again and he would be at my doorstep. I turned him around at the door.
Then one day he called me to let me know he was selling his house and leaving Memphis for good. He said he was leaving in a week and wanted to see me. I don't know what I was thinking, but I went to his house at 0300 on a Saturday night.
His house was empty. all he had was his bedroom furniture still assembled. He was really leaving. We sat up talking for a little while and I decided that it was time to go. I wasn't going to do this to myself again. I stayed, though, and we made love, for what I thought would be the last time. I had never ever made love and cry at the same time. I do not even know what I was crying about. Maybe it was because I loved him and he was leaving. Maybe I was crying because I had no control when I was with him. Maybe it was because I was frustrated. Afterward, he held me in his arms. I lay there as if I had been used. Before he could kiss me again or talk to me, I sat up and pulled my jeans on. I left his house without an upward glance at him. And he was gone.
It was springtime in Memphis, a beautiful time. I would walk to Beale Street and dance my booty off at the clubs, and just hang out at Peabody place and drink Starbucks coffee. My past and regrets seemingly behind me, I began to look to the future. When my kids would come and visit, I would take them on long walks down by the river, or we would ride the downtown trolley from one end of Downtown Memphis to the other. My friends were great and I was becoming somewhat myself again. I worked out everyday, kickboxed, did yoga and tai chi . When I was'nt off having fun, I worked. I dated a few guys, not tying myself down to any.
My ex and I had started rebuilding the dyke of our broken relationship around this time as well. Things were very happy around me and I was thankful of that. He and I had decided to get back together and work things out. In late May, I proposed to him!
I moved back in with him and lo, and behold.....Who do I hear from? Yes, Michael. He had no idea that I had moved back to Arkansas. He had no idea that I did not live in Memphis anymore. He suggested that we meet at my place later. I told him I didn't think that was a good idea. When he asked why, I told him I was getting married. When he asked to whom, and I told him, he was furious, and I am glad he was. He had so much control over me that at one point, I could not see straight.
The surprising part was his last attempt at control over me. His mood seemed to change when he suggested that even though I was getting married, there was no reason that our friendship had to change. He wanted to continue to sleep with me. Is anyone surprised about that? I laughed at him. In fact, I laughed so hard I was crying! I told him there was absolutely no way that would ever happen, in a million years. I told him that his hold on me didn't exist anymore. In a last ditche attempt to sway me, he told me that "You can say all that now, but once you and I are in the same room together you won't be able to resist". I laughed even harder at this point, and then told him that I was going to hang up now. He said, "Thats okay, beautiful. I will call you later". I informed him that he didn't have my phone number anymore, hung up, and had my phone number changed. That was the last time I heard from Michael Harp. I re-married my husband on June 16 of 2006. Life could not be better for us.
You may well wonder why I wanted to write about this man. He ruined me for a year out of my life. Ladies, there are men patrolling the internet that only want to play with your head and ruin you. Some, because they hate women because of a bad ex or a mean older sister, some because they are just mean. They want to play games to see how quick it will be to get into your pants. These fuckers aren't worth your time. If you use the internet for meeting people for the purpose of a relationship, I must warn many of you. They aren't all what they seem. Once I did a Google search of Michael's Yahoo ID and found this. He had written it on an online forum when somebody had made a comment on how he must fail at getting women: "Fuck you little girl, don't assume that because of the persona I present on this board that it keeps me from getting pussy. I am the best bullshitter you've ever met. Every girls panties I want in thinks I'm Mr. Suave Romance Man of the Year. The sappy dripping slit shit I come up with is good enough...." He made that statement in May of 2005, during the heyday of our romance. He played with me for all of that time. Not once was he sincere with me. I made it easy, too. Ladies, what I am trying to say is that when a man tries to sell you the same line of bullshit, I must warn you, "buyer beware".
That wraps up my "Confessions" series. Stay tuned! I am currently cooking up more!
DO NOT buy anyone's bullshit!
**I am sorry about the delay in getting this out, my dsl was mortally wonded and I had to wait on UPS to deliver my new one.**
Confessions IV
2007-02-20
While Michael was in San Diego on his vacation, I began talking to my ex husband about what went wrong in our failed marriage. Feelings obviously were still there, and I saw no viable future with Michael. I felt so detached from him, yet so insatiably bound to him. After talking with my ex for a few weeks, I ended things with Michael again.
Same lump in my throat. Same feeling that I was doing myself an injustice.
Only this time, Michael protested. He got angry, and told me I was making the biggest mistake of my life. That I was essentially nothing without him. That the "thing" we had was the most real thing he had ever had with a woman. There had only been a few times in my life where I was made to feel like a complete piece of shit. This was one of them. I had, however, ended it and now it was time to move on...I saw a real chance to patch up my marriage with my ex-husband, and we had both grown a bit since the divorce. Remember, I DO believe in making a marriage work for the good in the eyes of GOD.
Things were great back with my ex. We were so happy and it was our "new beginning". My kids were ecstatic and I felt like I was making the right decision. I moved back in with him. We began making plans to start slowly renovating our house. I called the family and told mom that we were back together. Everybody was happy and life was getting back to normal. The funny thing about all of this is that my ex's name is Michael, too....That is precisely why I will refer to him as "my ex" until further notice.
Things seemed to be peachy-keen with my ex and I until one night, about a month after moving back in together. I was working on a night shift and came home to find my ex sitting up, waiting on me, looking like a mixture of distraught and pissed. Apparently, he had been online earlier when I was at work (I left my messenger up, I had nothing to hide from him) and MICHAEL had sent me an instant message. It was a simple message, a simple "I miss you".
Now here is where I deemed myself a "Crazy Bitch":
Most sane people would simply ignore all future messages and get on with their life. If I had been in a sane frame of mind, I would have as well. I was, however, most definitely insane at the time because I sent him a reply. I meant well, mind you, but it was one of the single most stupid things I have ever done in my life. I told him that I had reconcilled with my husband and that I could only be friends with him (damned stupid idea) and that he would have to respect my decision if he wanted to be my friend. I went on to tell him that he and I were doomed from the get-go, that he was moving away in October (it was now SEPTEMBER), and that I cannot take the turmoil (oh, did I mention horse-shit) that he was putting me through.
Without missing a beat he said, "If you don't want to be with me, don't be with your ex. You can do better than him. You just shouldn't be married. You are not the marrying type."
Whats more fucked up than that is the fact that I started to believe him. Its not what he said, its how he said it that hooked me. Like the pied-piper played a tune on his flute, I started to shy away from my ex husband. He was being so good to me. He just wanted to make it work with me.
The text messages started up again. He would come and see me at work, ever convincing me to move out on my own again. I even broke down and told him that I thought I was in love with him. He told me that he was not leaving in October.
How. Fucked. Up.
So I made my ex cry. I moved out again. I rented an apartment in downtown Memphis, Tennessee, about 5 minutes from Beale Street. My ex helped me move out. He went with me to "apartment hunt" and helped me negotiate my lease. He conceded that I would always be his girl, and even though we weren't together, that didn't mean we couldn't be friends.
I started wearing more yellow again. Michael had me under his thumb again.
Damn, I was stupid.
*Extra* My Favorite Song:
2007-02-17
Confessions III
2007-02-15
A week or so had passed since I ended my 'relationship' with Michael. I didn't hear from him and I started dating again. Just playing the field, I s'pose. I didn't hear from him. Another week went, and so on...Life became something like normal again.
I was working 7-3 at a nursing home in Memphis. I made it home everyday and checked my email, its something I do everyday. Imagine my surprise, when about a month after I ended things, I got this in the mail-titled, "Just Checking In" in the subject header-you guessed it, from him...Telling me how he missed my company, and thought about me constantly. He told me that since I was gone, there had appeared a "hole in his heart", all that soggy bullshit, and that he just wanted me to meet him for lunch sometime. The old feelings came to me, the conundrum of how I felt for him; the angst of what might have been.
I replied to him that I was sorry that he felt that way. I told him that I felt like nothing more than a cheap booty call-I was only around to keep him warm at night. I told him I felt like a call girl. I told him that I didn't want to build a relationship on spending a few nights together. I signed off my email and went to bed.
The next morning, I got online to find that he had emailed me back...Something along the lines of (blah-blah) "I felt more for you than any other woman", and "You were never a booty call to me". A basic desperate plea for another chance. Then he called and we talked about pretty much the same thing; I was, however unmoving, but catapulted into the turmoil again.
That following Monday, he text-messaged me all morning, and I broke. I thought that maybe I did mistake him for a jerk; Perhaps his intentions were completely honorable. After all, he did work so much, and I could see him every night if I wanted. For some reason, I felt like I had done something wrong to him. I acted hastily, and since I was newly divorced, I had somekind of "zero trust" issues with me. I actually felt that I may have let the best thing that ever happened to me slip through my fingers. I desperately called him and asked him to meet me for lunch.
He met me in the parking lot of my job and we drove for the duration of my lunch time, talking and he, looking at me with those eyes of his-those innocent beautiful green eyes-and occasionally touching my face. Telling me that he missed me. *Run, RUN!!!!!*
I started crying and asked him if HE would give ME another chance. Told him I was WRONG. He looked at me and said, you got it, princess. He then gave me one of those movie-style kisses. I felt that anvil pressing on my shoulders again.
That weekend, to show that he really cared, he came to stay with ME! I cleaned my place like mad and took the kids to their dad's. No date, no dinner. Another booty call, I figured it would be. Nope.
We went to bed and he slept with me. Later he told me it was to prove he wasn't just in this to get laid. In fact, he came to my house a lot after that. He would drive over, bring his niece and nephew over and we'd all go play basketball. Since he worked everyday, we would often meet during his lunch hour and go to dinner. I met his family and would visit them while he was at work. Hindsight is 20-20. He called his house about every 20 minutes to make sure that his family was not telling me too much about him. I thought it was cute and that he was being coy; now I know that he didn't want to let his ways out of the bag.
He was a smart guy...Always telling me that "this is good for you", and when I stayed with him, every morning, he'd bring me an apple and a multiple vitamin. Can you freaking believe that? He didn't like for me to go to the tanning bed because of the "damage" it would do to me, so he would buy me sunless tanner. BY THE CASE, and made sure that I wore sunscreen when we would go play basketball or workout outdoors.
He told me that I would look good in more yellow-so I bought yellow outfits, to his appreciation. Hell, I even colored my hair because he thought I would look good with black hair. I took out my tongue ring because he said it looked trashy. He turned me into something I was not, and I thought it was for my betterment.
To seal the deal, once he invited me to come stay a weekend with him and bring my kids. He had just bought a trampoline and wanted to let the boys play. Goddamn. I just knew this would seal the deal. He let me sleep in, took the kids to breakfast, and I woke up to see him playing X-Box with the boys. Being a single mom at the time, this was the most encouraging thing I had ever seen.
I thought that maybe he was not the jerk I thought him to be. After all, why bring my kids into this if you have no intentions of being in their lives?
We would have long conversations in bed and one particular evening he mentioned San Diego. He was going there on a vacation in July. Now, mind you, he never took a day off work (7 days a week), so you would think I would have ranked up there as one of the things he would devote to on his vacation time. Not so much. I relented, and wished him a good vacation-after all, he deserved it. He worked all the time. I would just stay right here and wait for him to get back from vacation.
But the flippin' hamsters kept a rolling in my head. He is STILL thinking of leaving and good Lord, hasn't once stopped to tell me what his intentions were! I was in between a rock and a hard place-right where he wanted me to be. Only this time, I decided it was not bad-man I was so insane-I had met his family, his mom, sisters....Why would he allow me to get so close to his family only to desert me?
Once again I silenced the voices in my head that were screaming, "HEY, STUPID!!!!THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG HERE", and even helped him buy some clothes to wear for his trip.
He didn't call me before his flight left.
That concludes tonights installment of Confessions of a Crazy Bitch for tonight. I hope everybody has a damned good friday and an even more rockin' weekend!
Stay tuned! Til next time,
Don't buy anyones line of bullshit!
Confessions Of A Crazy Bitch-Part Two
2007-02-13
Well, peeps, last I left you, I had began a relationship with EZKISSIN-A guy I met on Yahoo Personals. It was, at that point, the hottest relationship I had ever been in and had all the elements of a storybook romance-passion, heat, deep conversations lying in each other's arms. His name was Michael. He was a hardworking guy that was hooked into working everyday by his bosses. We made time to see each other after he got off work, at eleven o' clock at night. Always at his house, always a sleepover. At that point, it was the only thing that galled me about the relationship.
He was always telling me how his job would be moving and he planned on going to San Diego after it left.
That didn't set right with me. I took into consideration:
1. I never went on a date with him after the first date-we moved right on to staying the night and that was all.
2. He had never seen the inside of my apartment-after a month...While I knew his house like the back of my hand.
3. He is planning on leaving!
Regardless, I still had feelings for him. The things he said to me...silver tongued fucker. I melted like a block of ice when he looked at me. But there was something about him that I couldn't put my finger on. He wasn't good for me. He was the devil. Somehow I knew what kind of evil he was capable of, yet he hadn't done a thing wrong to me. But I knew.
Fucking woman's intuition.
I called him one night when he got off of work and told him I wasn't ready for a relationship. I told him my kids needed me full time and I had a lot to deal with. As I hung up the phone I felt a huge lump in my throat~was it regret? I felt bad but felt as if I had removed a fucking anvil off my shoulders. I told myself that I needed a man that was not married to his job. I told myself that I couldn't compare to him, that he was probably too good for me. He owned his house, made tons of money (so he said-but never spent a damned dime on me!) and was good looking. I felt like a cheese sandwich being compared to a filet mignon. Then my body would rage against me. He was the best lover I had ever been with. He could touch my freaking face and make my toes curl. What had I done?
"Move on," I told myself. "You don't deserve him anyway..."
....And so I did. But I wasn't so cocky this time around. I was hooked.
Michael had me hooked.
Allright...This is gonna take a few installments to finish out. I gotta think about what I want to talk about, hell, I am still trying to figure out what the fuck I was thinking.
Gotta love that woman's intuition....Maybe after you read the next posts, you will start listening to yourself. I sure do now.
Have a great night....Grabbing my wine and settling in for the night.
By the way,
Rock on, bitches!
Confessions Of A Crazy Bitch-Part One
2007-02-10
I got divorced in Feruary 2005. By April I was hitting the singles clubs and rocking down like I was freakin' Paris H. I thought I was the shiz-nit and there wasnt a mofakka gonna bring me down. I was the quintessential independent woman. Had a job that paid good, a nice flat and a car with 15% tint all the way around. Wasn't a man alive that was gonna screw with me.
Stupid Yahoo. Stupid fuckers. I came home everyday to find 50 offlines from the same dude-named EZKISSIN-poems, sweet "nothings" all that bull-hockey. One day he caught me online. He sweet- talked me into getting a phone number. Then, after a few weeks of chatting and phone calls, he then sweet-talked me into a first date.
Picture it-Memphis in April, great weather and stars twinkling off the river. We walked along the river all night, talking, holding hands~that dude said everything I wanted to hear. We ended up in my car, making out in the backseat like friggin' 16 year olds. I told him that I had kids, he said, "theyre extensions of you...." Then he kissed me like a man ain't ever kissed a bitch. Fuck, I was in love. Right then and there. I wanted to marry him that night.
But I didn't marry him. I just went home with him. First date, wrong-o! He looked at me like I was the only damned woman in the world. I felt like Miss America and Barbie rolled into one uber-sexgoddess. The next day we woke up, and I was wearing his tee shirt. He stood in front of the mirror in his bedroom and pulled me to his side. Then he brushed my hair aside and said, "We look really good together, don't we, beautiful?" I was so happy that I had met such a good guy that I thought I was going to spontaneously combust. He asked me if it was okay if he only saw me. He said he felt "something different" with me and wanted to see where it went.
Well, me being the newly divorced dumbass I was, I said that I thought it was a great idea. Such was the beginning of my journey to bitterness beyond human imagination.
I am writing this as my first series of blogs about things that have fucked me up in my lifetime. This is just one of many subjects I plan to broach during my online tenure as a blogger. Never think that I will run out of things. Even when I run out of life tragedies, I have a vividly colorful imagination. I gave a taste of it tonight to hook a few people. Hopefully it worked because I plan on writing about this again next time I log on. My Shiraz is starting to make me long for my pillow and blanket, to supress myself in dreams and take a break from the waking world for at least five or six hours. I've mass tomorrow morning, and I plan on visiting my father tomorrow, so I may not be online, but rest assured, I will definitely write the second installment of this saga as soon as I can get to the solice of my keyboard.
Until tomorrow, keep cutting through the bullshit and rock on!
What The Hell Am I Going To Write About?
2007-02-10
I started this whole blog to get away from the adolescent Yahoo and Myspace bullshit. Too many sweet junior high crap going on in there. Too many people that know me personally. No one will come here unless I send them directly, or by their own meandering.
I want this blog to be a sounding board for what pisses me off and makes me mad, for whats going on in my life and the occasional funny blog about farting or some worthless stupid shit. I want this to be where I write about ex-boyfriends, my life and my opinions. I hope I can eventually get some readers, as I feel like I have some shit to say-just like every other swingin d and floppy t on here-and this was the first site I came to as soon as I googled "blogs". I hope to high hell that this is not some stupid 13 year old high school freaking dance and I came in my pants type site like the fluff i see on myspace and yahoo. I am an adult, and I will be writing about what I have seen and what I think about it. I will be using blue language whenever I feel like it and will not apologize for it.
I have alot on my mind; I think its time to write about it and get it off my chest. That being said, I will dispense what you need to know about me now:
I am a 27 year old mother of two sons ages 6 and 8. I have been married for 7 months to the man I divorced in 2005. I have served in the military. I am a nurse. I am an outspoken individual with a sometimes idealistic and sometimes too realistic view on the world and its inhabitants. I can make people laugh and make them feel like the lowest bug that ever was squashed beneath my feet. I will do whatever I have to to keep them from trying to figure me out. Its called "offensive defense". This is where I want to write about being me, what I think, and what I want. I welcome positive and negative feedback. I welcome anyone.
That being said, I christen this, my new blog site. Rock on, bitches.
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